Disaster day...

I made Kate breakfast in bed yesterday...

 Here we have a tasty burnt Crossiant, 2 peeled oranges and some Cheese n Onion Bugle crisps and a proper Cafeteria Coffee mmmmmmm.

So its not a Full English and its not that French either, but its creative and thats what counts.

  Easily the worst day in France so far, since all the rest have been great, but this day was Hell on earth. Not so much it was France's fault, everything just went wrong today, but its Monday and thats law I guess.

At least there is this Brocoli Soup for speedy recoveries. This has every super food in it and is the cure of common colds.

I like this pic of Kate, but you can see down her top, so she needed a censor bar there.

After already wasting the entire weekend lying on the floor buried under a pile of snotty Balsam tissues whatever that is, woke up to a migraine and sore throat the equivalent of swallowing a chainsaw whilst plugged in.

Kates packing to visit her parents and checking everything is in her bag... and Im trying NOT to blow my nose in case it gets anymore red. My lips cracked in the night because they went dry and I had a nightmare about murdering someone to which I woke up and grabbed Kates arm a bit too tight, but its ok because she has strange waking up procedures...

If you creep into the room quietly, she will shoot up like a rocket like OMG WHOSE THERE!?
But if you take a running long jump and drop kick her in the head, she will stay fast asleep.
Its the same with farts. Small ones that hardly make any sound will wake her up instantly, but blow like a fog horn and she wont even flinch.

Anyway, the phones not working, so looks like emails only today.


Ah! E-mail from the bank, finally my account is ready... but its addressed to MC POODLE wtf !?

Will have to call them and wait in a que for 30 minutes again before a French person answers and forwards me onto someone else.

Tried cleaning the apartment and notice my Keys not in my pocket... But I do remember asking Kate to look after my Key whilst I ate that sandwhich the other day, which was in her bag, which is on the way back to England with her... Great! <sigh>

Luckily Kate got my text message just in time to let her know the situation which upset her cause she felt guilty which obviously made me feel guilty cause she was guilty, but she said she'd left the key at Eurostar station with a lady called Alyia who was black and had long hair. Now I have to get dressed and take 2 trains to get to this Eurostar place to collect the key with a limited stock of tissues in my pocket and up me nose to hold off the leakages, and a very dizzy vision.

 I shut the apartment door, but its not locked of course, buy 2 tickets as advised by the man with the large bald head and tash and get on a train. The cold has blocked up my head so bad that me balance is well off and I walked into a wall like this >>>

Coming to a ticket gate, my ticket decides not to work and then 5 people decide to jump OVER the ticket machine with ninja skills not even making a sound as they landed and ran on through. The Large headed bald man with tash looks at me and smiles as if nothing just happened even though he blatently just saw 5 ninjas jump over the gate for free. He obviously didnt really care... I wasnt the type to ninja flip and I wasnt going to pay for another ticket, so I backed up to the exit door like Sam Fisher from Splinter Cell and ran through like a nutter as some old man was coming out. He was moving slowly, so I didnt have to use ninja jumps.

Now im on the train and realise its going the wrong way...

Get on another train and start sleeping in my seat from the rocking motion of the subways. When I open my eyes, tons of people are packed in the carriage and I can see my destination stop outside the window.

As I got up from the seat, it was one of them flip up ones (Like mouse-trap) and it bounced onto the back making a rather loud bang which made the whole carriage look at me. I stand waiting for the doors to open and realise theres a handle. AGHHH Quickly grabbing the handle, (too late) there is a click and its locked again. People start laughing (lol) I knew even at the time how bloody funny this would look (From someone elses perspective)...
Im now grunting trying to open up the door and the train starts again. F*"£%"! CRAP I say turning to see 100 eyes on me. Never mind (forgetting Im speaking to French people and they might not understand my mouth words anyway) and went to sit back down on that dam fold up seat, but oh yeah... the seat had already flipped up and was no longer there, so as my ass reversed onto a non existant seat, which I fell straight down to the floor with both feet up in the air. I dont think I could have gone much redder at this point and was beyond dizzy from knocking me head all day so I stood up and decided to use my bestest drunkness acting. The train stops (And I was getting off this carriage no matter where the next stop was) and I stumble out the train singing like a drunk English man whilst the French were biting their lips trying not to laugh.

Get to Eurostar and look for Alyia, but going by the description I had, it wasn't going to be easy because every person who worked here was black, female and had long hair. I went from one to the next asking for Alyia and no-one knew who she was, until of course the last one... a very smiley Alyia stuffed into the last ticket box with a pretty good English accent.

So your Alyia? I ask?

Yes she says, how can I help

You have a key for me please.. to my apartment?

No sorry, what do you mean?

My fiancee left my key here for me to collect from you earlier today

Whose your fiancee?

Kate Lewis

Never heard of her

Ok, is there any other Alyia's that work here?

I dont think so

....

...

Please I need my key so that I can get back inside my home, otherwise I will be stuck in outside and have to sleep with the tramps! Do you know if anyone else may have it??

Have what?

THE KEY PLEASE?!?

Ahhh! The one in the office?

erm, YES that one please?

Ok wait here...

Goes off mumble, mumble

How do I know who you are?

.. Im Steve

Ok can you prove that?

Yes heres my passport

Thanks one moment please....

Ok and whose the name of the person whose coming to collect the key?

I AM !!!!!???

Are you sure?

Is this is a joke?

Ok can you confirm the name of your fiancee please?

Katherine

Here is your key sir, have a nice day.

Merci Beaucoup

The key is mine and I have somewhere to sleep tonight, Kate can stop worrying now and I can have a shower n file shave some crust of my nose. xx

Blog 3: Shopping Zones, Amelie's Cafe and a gimp suit

Woke up this morning and went downstairs to see yet more poverty.. wait hang on, they actually looked a bit illegal. There was a family pulling out clothes from an old rusted charity clothes bin. The mother pulled out some binliners and handed them to her child (About 2 yrs old) who needed some help from his father opening it, but once done, they all started passing things to each other... It was sad to see the poor kids being involved in such a mess. Surely a family of four can get help from the government to at least have a home and some clothes? But that is why I thought, hmmm maybe they arent in Paris by normal procedures....

 

Anyway, today was already being too normal, so we are wandering along when Kate spots someone hanging their whole double bed and pillows out the window. ahhh :) Thanks for being so random Paris, I feel so at home now. Look >>>

Im sure there's logical reasons why people hang their double beds out of windows like they wet the bed and wanted to dry it maybe?

The other night was amazing cause when I got in from work, Kate made me a real Shepard Pie with runner beans. 1st time we have eaten at home. Very good results given the situations of our weird oven/cooker thing!

Kates a girl of many talents, she can bake a cake out of anything lying about and it will be good.

<<< These little buggers are the hire bikes!

Stick a Euro or 2 in the slot and you can ride them around all day long for free ! :O

We ordered a couple of Goat cheese bagettes from the big lady down the road somehow, but I wanted the steak and cheese with Capri Sun. Silly girl didnt understand my accents and I spoke with a French one too.

If you like the shopping, then you love 'Pyramides' zone. It has everything you could think to buy there!

 Now I made this little clip here for the biggest shopper in the world whose one of the smallest people I know. Lisa....

After shopping with no money, we went on a mission to find "The 2 Windmills" Cafe from the best film ever made of all time "Amelie"...

It took many attempts of asking in boulangerie's and magasin de fruits to actually find the place, but it was soooo worth it! Walking into the cafe was like being inside the film and the atmosphere was crazy thick. Was also the 1st time Id seen so many French people looking happy in one room (Other than Pigalle)

There were characters everyhwere in this place that you could draw. One old lady sat next to us with a dog on her lap, paws on the table n stuff? Posh or what!?

 

 

Amelie Cafe was amazing... Then we found a Jo Bodle's lamp! Check it >>

Very Moulin Rouge aye!

Ate the best selection of raw fish ever at a Sushi bar down the road and dropped the slimey poisson in the soy sauce a bit too high splattering it all over my white top. Its ok though, it looked designer like this.

The wine here however WAS vinegar we think... but then it was only 2 Euros for quite a large vase full.

Since we were soooo close to the district again and practically RAN through Pigalle last time, we thought.. ok I thought we should go back through the streets again to see all the pretty red lights. Found it quite entertaining seeing the old seedy men hanging around near the entrances of the clubs wearing trenchcoats and slyly peaking over the top to see if anyone was looking before they crept in for a peep show...

Kate nudged me at one point along the walk and I nearly fell through some curtains which is lucky really because on the other side was the gay spartacus room, whatever that was.

We did check out a sex shop in the end to see why everyone was making such a fuss about the place. The 1st dvd on display nearly made me vomit as it involved chains and old ladies, so we moved quickly through the dvd section, straight into... toys...

 Heres Kate looking rather disturbed at the worm shaped butt plugs LOL !!!

I found me a brand new gimp suit >>>

<<< and a mean mask

... >>>

yea... so we went to buy some milk and will you look at the price for a half pint of Beer at the local Lidel...

39 cents boi!

How many 39's would it take to get drunkard then?

 

Works going great so far, the studio's excellet and so are the games,

Bonsoir xx

Day 2 et Le Moulin Rouge and a lady that wanted to eat Kate...

Paris is a Surreal world and like being in a schizophrenic's mind...

I forgot to mention yesterday about the random woman who wanted to eat Kate. As we were on the train stuck behind our luggage at the end, some random lady in her mid 30s came over and plonked all her bags around us and the door, so she could make a fast exit from the carriage. She was looking Lady K up n down and licking her lips. I was scared this time, so i broke the awkward silence saying, "parlez-vous anglais?"

 

She went on to telling us about how she traveled to London reguarly to purchase shoes n bags to re-sell in France. She asked what we did for jobs and went on to say, "hmmm I need a nurse..."
"What for?" asked Kate and the lady replied, "To look after children"
"Im not that sort of nurse" says Kate, and the women said "Thats fine", handing her some ripped paper with her mobile number on. She then asked Kate for her mobile, but Kate said she didnt have a French phone. The woman turned to one side and started speaking in French to some other person who was on her phone and was talking about Kate, still looking at her all the time.


Anyway thats when the train stopped and we made sure we got away from this cannibal thing before she started sucking on Kates toes (And thats when Kate said "Au Revoir" as our Taxi came to meet us lol)

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The bread n cakes in this city... omg YUM!

After amazing Criossiants, proper coffee and a go on the French pinball machine, we went to see the Eiffel Tower.

Kate with socks >>>

Looking for Eiffels >>>

<<< Found Le Tower

aha! oh mon dieu!
Being cold (It was snowing a little) >>>

The Tower is ok, but you will want food once your there, because its everywhere...

This place looks like the Guildhall walk without any skanks

<<< Monsieur Bod taking some real Coffee
Tasty & Warm
Double Bonuses

Every corner you find a new world >>>

Still a few Christmas Decorations left. Whats nice here, is that even though Muslims and Christians both have their own things going on, they respect each other and live amongst each other peacefully.

Look up and you see the decorations of Christmas

Look at the buchers and its Halal Muslim meat

There are so many different people living in France

that not having any one paticular dominating religion or group means everyone just gets on with their own thing.

The streets are filled also with young men in paticular smoking skunk quite freely. They look happy and arent causing any problems.

Yea it may not look it in any of these pics, but where we actually live, just round the corner is GHETTO land...

Its so bloody expensive and immigration is a big problem as always. The streets are littered with tramps. One asked Kate a question in French, to which her obvious reply was "Walk faster head down", he started shouting something, but I noticed he had a smile on his face. He just didnt want to be ignored and wasnt looking for trouble. We said in French that we dont speak it (If that makes sense?) and he was laughing.

The supermarket had a wheely bin full of out dated foods... Breads, cakes, rolls, everything really. The store boy rolled out the bin (This was at night) and as he tipped all the food in the bin, lil heads popped out from places and tramps ran over to dive in and share the food out. The buildings are pretty impressive on the inside, but there are many people locked out at night. Some may well be dirty rats, but im sure a few of these guys lost their way and became poor...

Found GAME which is good !

Then saw the price tags... Paris have games on sale for 69 EUROS !!!

<<< Here the final meal of the day...

Our chef seen in the background eating was

GIANLUCA !!!

Wow he was the same voice and smile, but French!?

After the meal, I got out our cushty little French wordz book and tried to say Kate would pay as jokes.

I said "Je voudrais payer avec ma femme s'il vous plaît."

When the waiter went off laughing to return with the bar girl, he asked me to repeat it again, but that actually translates to "I would like to pay WITH my wife, please..."

After more Kanansers, we got on the metro to go home... It was quite late by this time. We stopped at a place called Pigalle and I remembered that the Moulin Rouge was at this place, so picking Kate up, and jumping off the train we got to ground level and it was an amazing sight...

We

Every direction you looked were lights! Red ones too! It was the most shadey looking place we'd ever seen, but there was no turning back. This was actually Hell on earth, but the way its laid out was a masterpiece, but one could get in much trouble in this place... 

The word sex was on every single shop for about a mile...

Women walked around wearing, not much...

It was Amsterdam in France!

This must be the safest red light district on the planet (As long as you didn't touch anything)
There were families walking around at night to see the sights. Come on son, lets go down town to see the history of Pigalle and all the pretty whores.


We did get there in the end after ducking under pertruding willys on signposts and beckoning hands between red curtains. There were some dam funny shops and something that looked like a fortune tellers hut, but instead it read "Come in to see the famous Lady girl boy magic Transexual" No idea what sex that is :S

There it was shining from miles away and stood opposite was a giant crowd taking pictures like it was going to vanish any second.

Must admit, if windmills were sexy, this one = Win!

Then we DID go home, eat cake,

and what an amazing toilet seat we have...

FRANCAIS - Jour une (Day 1)

BONJOUR - English types!

Well Kates finally wearing long socks bravely! Thanks for the converting Baby D! You were obviously an inspiration there.

Leaving chav ridden Pompey straight into Baghdad/London we got the Eurostar and went under the sea in a train! Was so amazing that I fell asleep. Oh, but before we could get on the train, Customs stopped me in paticular to ask what the giant square thing was in me luggage (OBviously a monitor and not a bomb, and the strange shaped controllers what were they? (Just Buzz controllers) What do they do? They are my toys!!!

At that point she either thought they were laser guns or sexual devices and let go of them quite fast. A man came over to check them too which was funny. He looked that terrible singerfrom American Idle who actually became famous for his bad voice "William Hung"

 <<< Games, monitors, controllers n more...

Kate missing her family already at

the train station xxx  >>>

 <<< Awaiting le Train

Stuffed at the end of the train with all our luggage >>>

Looking for Merlot and food after all the games are un-packed...

 

Certain women we passed smelt of Shake n Vac perfume

Old men played dice games in pubs

Groups of young blokes sat on corners smoking Skunk like it wasn't law

Even by late hours, the streets were still filled with people.

Very relaxed atmosphere...

OMG Lionbar Cereals !!!

 and finally some shots from the 1st morning...

au revoir...